Parenting in the thick of it
Writing this at just over 8-weeks post-partum, with a heart-achingly cute baby napping beside me. I wonder if I have the brain power to write a coherent blog post! We'll find out.
Becoming a mother is hands-down the best, and the hardest, thing that I've ever done. If you are a parent, I imagine you can relate. There are an infinite number of things I could share about this experience, but I'd like to focus on probably the most under-valued and possibly most essential: what we do with our attention. This is as much for myself as for my readers!
"Self-care" as a concept gets a lot of attention, as it should, but most parents of small children don't have time for the self-care "extras," like massages, baths, girls night out, etc. Some of us are hard-pressed to find time even for the self-care basics: exercise, nourishing food, personal hygiene, etc. This for sure reflects my day-to-day experience, and it has become clear how vital it is to access external resources however I can- like asking a family member to hold my baby for 30 minutes while I shower and eat.
Here's a more moment-to-moment way we can think of self-care, perhaps more accessible as far as our limited time and financial resources go: self-care as resourced attention. Put another way, I believe it is possible to attend to our experience in a resourced way, while we do the work of parenting (or all the other challenging parts of life). So even in the midst of big tears, or a poop blow-out, or navigating the half-broken systems of health care insurance and state disability, or postpartum mood swings, or sleep deprivation... yes, i believe it is possible to resource our attention. At least some of the time. And... I'm saying it is possible... not necessarily easy!
As a single mom, I am with my baby very full-time. We are in the early months, the 4th trimester it is said, and she needs a lot of holding and breast-feeding and soothing. I am still recovering from a traumatic birth. We have struggled with some dynamics related to nursing, resulting in a lot of crying and reflux at certain parts of the day. (There are many divine oxytocin-filled connected moments too, thankfully!)
I've had so many nights of being up for several hours in a row, pacing back and forth with my baby in my arms, digging deep for patience, as I try to settle her tears. Lately my mantra has been: "peace in, peace out, I love you no matter what."
A couple weeks ago, I received a much needed craniosacral session recently from a lovely Ojai-based practitioner, Maya Kokatay, who held a loving and resourced space for me and my baby. I had a chance to do some crying, some emotional processing of the birth. While she worked gently with my baby she invited me to sense into the space behind my heart, and to feel into my layers of support. She kept inviting me to energetically resource myself through the session, in a way that I frequently invite for clients. I loved the session, and felt humbled by how I had forgotten to use the tools I so often teach to others.
What a gift to come back to presence. Later in the week, following the session, an image of a big beautiful redwood tree came to me, with the sense that I could energetically lean into this image as a resource. So now as I see the image of the tree, I let myself lean back into it, feeling its solidity and profound stillness. My pulse slows a tiny bit and I take a spontaneously deeper breath.
I've been slowly working my way through Dr. Becky Kennedy's parenting book Good Inside, an IFS approach to parenting, and I am finding it helpful in so many ways. The perspective that I am a good parent having a hard time (versus a bad mom because I feel inept, or have lost my patience, or fill in the blank with a hundred other things) is another layer of very helpful resourcing. Any way to reduce the shame in the parenting process- and the correspondent fight/flight/freeze responses- seems like a very good idea to me,
Baby is waking up, time to go. Thank you for reading. May you find some small or big ways to resource yourself... right here and right now. I love you no matter what!
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